I never knew this would get so complicated being a walking, talking, cigar smoking duck from another planet, having to live on a planet full of hairless apes called Earth. To me it’s a lot of crap. By the way, my name is Howard, and I’m a duck.

Yes, stupid, I’m a real live talking duck from the planet Duckworld. I’m not one of those jackass cartoon ducks like Daffy and Donald who make a buck just to make some spoiled brats laugh at their antics. I’m not meant to be a some joke to you hairless ape readers out there.

When I got to this planet, I had run ins with the likes of Garko the Man-Frog, a vampire cow, Dr. Bong, Spider-Man, the Defenders, Man-Thing, Ghost Rider, and a band of teenage mutants called Generation X. Now that’s weird.

Right now, my human girlfriend, Beverly Switzer and I are looking of another job, since we got fired from our last one at a video store. That incident was about some jerk named George Lucas did a movie about me that didn’t make no damn sense. Scorpion like creatures called Dark Overlords, and Tim Robbins was in that piece of crap. Thank goodness that movie tanked at the box office, or my life would be ruined.

“Howard, who are you talking to?” Beverly said to me.

“No one, toots,” I said back, as we begin our story.

“I just want to tell you that I got a job,” Beverly spoke again, as she entered our trailer park home.

“It’s about time,” I said to her. “I can’t take being a guard here in this damn junkyard any longer. What is your job anyway?”

“I get to become the next Cindy Margolis,” she replied. “I’m going to be a internet supermodel.”

“There’s one problem, Bev,” I said.

“What’s that?” She asked.

“We don’t have a computer for me to see you model,” I said back. “I hope you got enough money for some supper tonight. I’m tired of Chinese food.”

Beverly took some money out of her purse, and gave it to me. “That’s all we have left, until I start my job tomorrow.”

“This twenty dollars is enough to get us some Big Buford meals,” I said, as I took out the last cigar that I had left in my pocket. “You better makes some big bucks, I’m out of cigars.”

“Don’t worry, Ducky,” Bev said, as she lit my cigar with a used lighter. “Yippee.com is the biggest internet company in the world. What can go wrong?”

“That what bothers me,” I sighed.

# # #

Donald Wisker is the most powerful mob boss in all of Cleveland, than Wilson Fisk in New York. Donald stood in his office smoking a Cuban cigars, as he watched the city from his window. Just then, two men entered to room, carrying a nerd of a man with them.

“Well, Mr. Speck, how’s business?” Donald asked the nerd.

“You see, Mr. Wisker, you lost half you money in the last few days,” replied Mr. Speck. “Thanks to the Punisher, who I heard is here in Cleveland taking out your competition.”

“I know that, you idiot!” Donald shouted to Speck. “You’re my freaking accountant, and I wanted you to keep watch on my fortune! How the hell did the Punisher get my money?”

“Well…” Speck began.

“SHUT UP, YOU LITTLE PRICK!” Donald snapped at him. “Can’t any of you idiots get anything right? I want the Punisher dead! Get me the Russian.”

“The Punisher cut off his head years ago, Mr.Wisker,” said one of Wisker’s men.

“Sir, may I make a suggestion?” Spoke another man. “Why not hire Howard the Duck?”

“Who?” Wisker was puzzled.

“He sort of looks like the Angry Video Game Nerd, but he’s more psychotic with the taste for guns and weapons to boot,” he replied.

“Why is he called Howard the Duck?” Wisker asked again.

“He likes duck,” said the man again.

“Fine, as long as he kills that damn Punisher, I’ll be happy,” Wisker smirked.

“What about Speck here?” Asked the first thug.

“Get rid of the little turd,” Wisker ordered his men.

“But, Mr. Wisker, I’m your accountant,” spoke Speck. “You need me to pay your bills.”

“I’m a crime lord, dumb ass,” replied Wisker. “I’m the bad guy here. Get his ass out of here.”

Wisker’s men grabbed Speck, and carried him off.

# # #

Frank Castle looked through his binoculars at limos filled with mobsters coming out of them heading inside a huge mansion. Today was the fiftieth birthday of Johnny Giovanni, and every mobster in Cleveland is here.

“Bingo,” said the Punisher, as he pressed a button on his com-link on his ear. “Micro, can you hear me?”

{{I sure can, Frank,}} replied Microchip from his HQ.

“Every damn gangster in Cleveland is here to celebrate Giovanni’s birthday,” replied Frank. “Soon to be his last.” Frank smirked, as he headed out for his kill.

As the Punisher headed out, a big explosion appeared out of nowhere, as the mansion blew up into nothing.

“What the hell?!” Frank shouted. “This is my kill.”

{{Frank, what happened?”}} Microchip asked.

“Looks like someone wanted the bad guys dead,” said Frank. “Saves me the time. But, who did it?”

All Frank could hear was the sounds of a duck quacking, but it sounded more human.

# # #

Howard and Beverly walked inside a huge building with the words: “Yippee.com: The Internet’s # 1 Website, Not Yahoo!” Howard groaned at the joke.

“Are you sure they want you to model online, Toots?” Howard asked Bev.

“Ducky, we need the money,” replied Beverly. “Besides, the internet is not only for porn.”

The twosome walked into the office of Bill Fences, creator of Yippee.com. Bill looked like Bill Gates, but he looked more like Jerry Lewis in his crazy geeky years.

“Hey, Urkel, we’re here,” Howard spoke to Fences, as the geek turned to see them.

“Oh my god!” Fences spoke. “You’re a…”

“The next idiot who says I’m a talking duck, I will twist those suspenders around your neck, and tie it real tight,” Howard said to Fences.

“Who are you?” Fences asked.

“I’m Beverly Switzer for the modeling job,” replied Bev.

Bill took a cigar out of a wide humidor, and lit it as he put into his mouth. “Oh, yes, Ms. Switzer, I’ve been expecting you. Cigar?”

Beverly shook her head, as Howard took a couple of stogies out of the humidor.

“We here at Yippee.com have been trying to find something new to make our sales successful,” began Fences. “We’ve been looking for our own internet queen for Yippee.com, and you, Ms. Switzer, are going to be Yippee.com’s new spokeswoman.”

“What about Howard?” Beverly asked.

“Who’s Howard?” Bill asked.

“That’s me, you nerdy hairless ape,” replied Howard. “If Beverly is going to be this internet queen, I’m going to be her manager. I get half the pay as she gets full pay. I don’t trust you, Fences.”

“Fine,” replied Fences. “You can trust me.”

“I still don’t trust you,” said Howard. “When will she start?”

“Tomorrow afternoon,” said Fences. “We need to get Bev ready for her big debut.”

“I’ll be watching you, Fences,” said Howard, as he and Bev left the office.

Fences gulped, as he pressed a button on his desk that opened a door from his bookshelf. He went inside, into a strange room filled with scientific gadgets and tech. There were scientists all over this lab, as Fences walked towards a elderly woman smoking a Cuban cigar from a long, black holder.

“Miss Darkness, we got a new one,” said Fences.

“Are you sure this is the right one?” Miss Darkness asked Fences. “The last you got me was a total bimbo. She makes Paris Hilton look like Pee Wee Herman.”

“Her IQ is 109,” replied Fences.

“Perfect,” said Miss Darkness. “She’ll make a perfect part to my collection.”

# # #

Howard Duckman sat in the office of mob boss, Donald Wisker. Wisker had hired him to help him get rid of some garbage here in Cleveland. Howard did look like the Angry Video Game Nerd, but more pissed off.

“I heard you just got done blowing up the Giovanni mansion with everyone inside,” said Wisker, as he puffed on a cigar. “That was the greatest thing that I’ve ever seen.”

“Why, thank you, Mr. Pollard,” replied Howard. “Quack!”

“Did you just Quack?” Wisker asked.

“I was raised by a family of ducks, when I was a kid,” replied Howard. “Quack! My parents were killed by duck hunters. Quack! So, I killed them, and stuffed them, like they did my family. Quack!”

“I like your style, Howard,” said Donald. “I want you to kill the Punisher.”

“Finally, I get to kill the Punisher,” said Howard. “Quack!”

“Can you do me a favor?” asked Wisker.

“What’s that?” Howard asked.

“Stop quacking,” groan Wisker.

# # #

As Howard and Beverly headed home, Howard had a gut feeling telling his something that he should have not have Bev get that job for the internet. He looked at Bev as she smiled back at him, but Howard sighed.

As Howard opened the door to their trailer home, the two of them had shocked looks on their faces, as they see a woman naked sitting on a chair. She was covered in some kind of white goop, as she was asleep.

“Who is she?” Bev asked Howard.

“Why do I have a bad feeling that something bad is going to happen to us…again?” Howard asked himself.

# # #

NEXT ISSUE: Who is the strange woman in our heroes’ trailer? Who is the mysterious Miss Darkness? Will Howard Duckman get to kill the Punisher? What does a certain Merc with a Mouth’s guest star role have anything to do with this story. Find out in part two of “Duck Season” in Howard the Duck # 2.

# # #

AUTHOR’S NOTES: Welcome to the first issue of Howard the Duck here at Altered Vision. Why Howard the Duck? I’m a big fan of Steve Gerber’s beloved cigar smoking duck, ever since I saw the movie years ago. I like weird stuff, and Howard is weird stuff. This series is dedicated to Steve Gerber, who died last year. I hope Mr. Gerber likes my work in heaven. Do people read fan fiction in heaven? Anyway, I hope you enjoy this first issue.